Lili in the Kitchen - Kitchen tips for those who value cleanliness and health

- keep a toothbrush at the kitchen sink to keep your metal kitchen utensils really properly clean (but obviously make sure no one uses it for their teeth)

- a kitchen is no place for pets or children or pot plants or insects or cigarettes or dirty slobs (just F-off out of my kitchen!)

- no arses on table or bench tops (disgusting!)

- do not place full shopping bags on kitchen work surfaces (where have they been?)

- don't buy fruit and vegetables that you know will not be eaten within a few days, as compost belongs in the compost bin, not in the fridge or the fruit bowl

- go to your cutlery drawer, take out a fork, look between the prongs closely or with a magnifier glass, is the fork REALLY clean? No? Then don't ask me over for a meal, thanks.

- can openers of any type need to be washed after EVERY use

- can openers used to open pet food tins must not be used to open tins of food for human consumption

- plastic food utensils cannot be used in a frypan (you moron!)

- replace your kitchen dish-cloth daily

- do not use a dish-drainer on your sink that holds pools of mouldy water in it

- do not leave wet dishes stacked so that they don't drain properly

- do not rinse out a filthy used mop in the kitchen sink (no kidding, I've seen a mum do this at a playgroup meeting)

- don't serve unwashed, over-ripe or tasteless fruit to children (isn't it great when your little one picks up a piece of fruit from the playgroup kids' fruit plate and it still has a little sticker on it?)

- if you can't manage to clear your dirty dishes at least once a day, it's time to hire a cleaner, or give up cooking and live on restaurant food or takeaways, or book yourself into a nursing home or a residential care facility, or ask your folks if you can come back home